Deep Inside The Ice Is Burning!

I took some extra time to get back home. I enjoyed the walk this evening from my village to back home. It was cold, little drizzle and foggy at Dhulikhel. The route from Kavrebhanjyang to Dhulikhel via the Bhattidanda’s road is the best for a short walk.

Some of the blogs in the past was written by me about the bright prospect of solo walk. Yes even though it’s a group of four people walking on a long trail, I prefer to keep some distance and make it as solo travel as it can be. The bonding with mother earth I feel gets tuned during solo walk.

Not always the journey is trailed solo with passion. At times solo is your present situation and solo is a walk to keep the continuation.

Like it’s said, tears are easily hidden while walking in the rain. Similarly my journey, traveling journey has been a wand of covering my situations outside. Not that I care about how my journey seems from the viewers’ perspective. But I care least about how my journey is observed from the other side. Instead I take my own time thinking again and again about the path that I’m walking.

There is a mixed feeling of being cold deep down and also burning at the same time. This is also an observation I make to my current state. As said earlier, the other side observes this travel fanatic as a happy soul wandering every time, living his moments and making a happy journey. Yes, many people respond that way, text me on Instagram saying your are actually living your life to it’s fullest. What feels bad is that all those who have known me for quite long time say such things. I get confused on how to respond. Should I say, yes I am or should I express what really is going on. But I don’t disagree with them. I respond happily. Because why to add burden of mixed feelings to those innocent people, who haven’t yet figured out their own situations. Let me be their wow character who is always doing good in life. Let it be that way, while I will try to deal with my small small stuffs which are dragging me in the state of having mixed feeling.

Lately, things are going smooth but I am not. It is because of a good quality I posses. “Being calm and responding to only concerned questions/comments”, isn’t it a good quality one should posses? Yes of course it is. But what’s happening is that, this same thing is working just opposite in my case. Don’t know if this is the exact case. Lately, I am responding very less to people’s comments about me. I am asked about the way I present myself. Since, I don’t find those questions important, I simply skip to answer them. The answer is simple. I choose to be me because I love the way I am and it’s is all that matters. There could be a good way of dealing with those questions. I could kindly respond to those questions. But those who cannot realize and respect the way one is, cannot understand easily that one should let other be the way they choose. Unless their state of being and act of doing things harms somebody else, why should there be any objection?

Small things that I am ignoring are slowly tagging their roots in me. I am feeling this. I’m being moody at times. Now that I have a different view point about leading my path ahead, I literally feel annoyed when anybody questions my capability. Yes, those questions make me realize and aware about my strengths and weakness. When you are asked such questions from those who are supposed to be my strengths throughout my life, it sucks. Then even the close people get to see my mood swings. I try to compose myself and get back to normal. This lets people realize for an instinct I am not affected with their questions. Fuck yes, I am affected. I am actually burned with such questions. I want to be the way I am and will take challenges and push my self forward to know my potentials.

Small things like these that is being accumulated is creating a shivering cold inside me. Trying to let them out but also being unable to find a way to ware those out is burning me inside.I am confused like the way this blog I wrote. This will not last long enough, but it will last for quite some time. I am afraid it will not unveil the bad in me. I wish it will explode soon letting little damage now than creating a big explosion later.